The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex