Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
You Might Also Like
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Had an epiphany today.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.