Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.