just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.