Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes