#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
You Might Also Like
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Well, that should do it
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.