I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ok hear me out: Luigiana
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Fidel Castro was alive?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
That’s a good costume, I hope.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.