i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Before crowbars crows drank alone
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.