Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*