On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Become ungovernable.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.