Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
seems fine
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OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Practicing safe sax
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday