Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
adding to the discourse
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The funk soul brother
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.