Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
You Might Also Like
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.