Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I bet
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.