Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
? 💀
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*