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channeling her this year
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
You’re the water to my grease fire.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
This sounds bad:
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…