My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
The game has officially changed 😎
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE