If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
What if the weather talks about us?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.