*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
How I like cutting carbs
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge