Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Breaking news:
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]