Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Milk Cube
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
This forever.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT