my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Message from the dog groomers
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET