i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company