me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep