the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.