I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
S M O L
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.