@dafloydsta

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

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@rcromwell4

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

@fro_vo

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

@foodfacenow

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

@AsgardianRose

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

@MarfSalvador

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

@BlindChow

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

@Im_Tricia

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”