WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
ME: which could also be a weakness…
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
Mum: no not that one
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?