WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her![]()
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
this isn’t threatening at all
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Chicken bread
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.