WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Grandmother clock.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing