Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
You Might Also Like
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh