This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
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“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
🙋♀️
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.