my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.