My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
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Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*