Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!