If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
tourist season
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Damn what did I do next
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”