British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I love the honesty
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.