“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
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Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔