I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Happy Halloween 🎃
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex