When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed