Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Cause of death: Zumba
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?