Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
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There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Body by Oreos
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it