[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?