[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
![]()
![]()
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!![]()
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.