I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
She: I like Cats
He: