Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
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I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.