I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Ugh but profoundly
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.