I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
You Might Also Like
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.