i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Spider-cat: No One Home
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.