me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
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Midwest trash talk
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.