I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.