What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.