Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!