Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.