Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
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I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.