Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Smells like a challenge to me
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”