Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”