I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
![]()
You Might Also Like
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I’m putting together a team
![]()
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Ha.
![]()
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
![]()