I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Bobby pin
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son